I jest not

Stupid Colleague: Um, LS, where are all the teaspoons?

Me: What do you mean, "where are all the teaspoons?" We have loads of teaspoons! (walks to kitchen).

Me: Um, Stupid Colleague, what do you call these? (pointing at dirty teaspoons in the sink).

Stupid Colleague: Well, they're teaspoons. But they're all dirty.

I love Americans...

I really do! Your accent is great, especially if you're from the Deep South and your name is Bubba. Even better if you have a shrimp boat. Americans are some of the most friendly people I've ever met. You're talkative, you smile and you don't look like you're about to pull a knife on someone for wearing a Cubic Zirconia ear stud in the left ear. Or is it the right?

Anyhow, this arrived in my inbox this morning, and some parts of it are so funny. I apologise now, (that's apologiSe, not apologiZe) if anyone's sensitive sensibilities are offended. It's really meant to just be funny...

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Lacking Part III

Just got home. Feeling very numb. Duh. Anaesthetist was a bitch AND an idiot. Feel like I have swallowed glass. More tomorrow.

Lacking Part II

Poor excuse for a post, I know...

But amusing all the same!

Click here..

Lacking

This weekend is going to be rather short on the blog front. I have a head full of thoughts of anaesthesia and have had a bad argument with my brother.

Will try and find something more interesting to say tomorrow.

Night.

It's all a bit of a fluster

...here in the office. Prices are going waaay above target. Do we sell now, when the value is placed at $9 above our target sale price? Or do we leave it and hope that the market increases even more? And why is the value so (unexpectedly) high? Why are people willing to buy at those prices? What do they know about what's going to happen over the next quarter? Like I said. lots of questions, lots of uncertainty... meh.

On the way in to work, my mother dared me to have a shot of wheat grass from the smoothie kiosko at Victoria Station that we pass every day. Ay, Dios mio - I managed to get to work from the train station without barfing, but only just. I have never known anything so foul, and will definitely NEVER have that crap again.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, HRH is doing better every day. Her balance is still off, but she can stand, sit, walk and trot (she looks like a pony when she does this 'running' thing) and everyone is just so amazed at how well she's doing. Not long ago no-one believed she'd ever walk again. And now she's back, and more greedy than ever. Her love for cheese has grown stronger, and to make sure you know just how much she wants THAT BIT OF CHEESE, YES, THAT BIT THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND? I WANT IT, she drools in to your lap. Or makes a drool puddle on the floor. Whilst licking her lips. Nice. Thing is, she's just come on heat, and her back will definitely not take any kind of mounting action. So we have to figure out what to do with Sam. She won't be receptive for another couple of days, but he can't be around her (alone) when she is.

Monday I have my 'caudal epidural and facet joint injections'. Under general. Which scares the crap out of me.

And that's about it. A random post, I know - but I like the whole no direction thing today. It kind of matches my day perfectly.

Anon.

And I very nearly screamed

I got on the bus at the train station for the last leg of my journey to work, just as usual. It was running late, as usual. I got on, flashed my travel card at the bus driver who smiled and nodded and I went and sat in the seat I usually sit in. I see the same people every morning: the couple in their early 30s - you can tell that they live apart, and you can definitely tell when they've spent the night together; the two old ladies in the seats in front of me with matching plastic scarf/hat things to keep the damp off their freshly permed hair; the student in jeans that are big enough to fit at least three people in them, listening to Slayer or occasionally Cannibal Corpse loud enough so that everyone else riding the bus can hear it too. Very kind, I must say.

This morning, I was rocking out to a little Lynyrd Skynyrd on my way in, on the super-duper iPod (that I still don't really know how to use) my uncle gave me for my birthday which plays videos and has games and stuff, and playing Brick - you know, the game with all the bricks at the top that you have to knock out with the ball by controlling the paddle at the bottom. Two stops down the road, this guy got on, obviously high or drunk and stood by the exit doors, next to where I was sitting. Next thing I knew, he turned towards me and grabbed my iPod. The dude tried to steal my iPod! From out of my hands!! Who the hell did he think he was? And did he seriously think that I was going to let him make off with it? Hell no. Especially when I grabbed it off him and kicked him in the shin. I think he was a bit taken aback by my reaction. What did he think, that I was just going to let him have it?! Cheeky bastard. As soon as the bus slowed down enough at the traffic lights, he quickly pressed the emergency door release button, jumped out and promptly fell in to the road before getting up and stumbling off in the opposite direction.

And we hadn't even gotten to Westminster yet.