Open Letter to Spring

Yo, dude, 'sup?

Where you at? It's coming toward the end of the financial year and there is no sign of you at all. Yeah, you sprouted a few daffodils and even a crocus here and there, but that's all I've seen of you since last year. Winter has been here long enough and he's outstayed his welcome BIG TIME. Wet-footprints-trailed-through-the-house-muddy-shoes-on-the-coffee-table-stinking-smell-of-damp kind of overstay. It's about time you moved back in and kicked this snotty, spiky little troll out. Like yesterday.

Thank you muchly,

Little Sausage

"Excuse me, Miss..."

(Damn it. I knew I shouldn't have made eye contact and SMILED - wtf?? - at the very scary looking homeless guy as his head rose out of the rubbish bin outside the office). I tried to look away quickly, but he was on to me.

"Before you just say no, can I please ask if you have any change? It's not for drugs (yeah, right). My friend and I need to get five pounds together so we can sleep in a hostel tonight. It's so, so cold."

Damn it again. It was cold. So cold, in fact, that i had a good 3mm covering of ice on my windshield this morning. So cold (and still dark - sun rise was at 7.36am today) that every time I breathed in it felt like I was inhaling glass. The poor, wretched man was filthy. Dirt so ingrained in his hands and around his nails that would have required a chemical peel and bleach to remove. To be honest, he didn't look like a user. His eyes were bright. He was lucid, well mannered and articulate although most of his teeth were missing and the few that were left were the colour of dark chocolate. The smell was incredible. It made my eyes water but I couldn't let it show - the man was rock bottom, and to make him feel lower would be inhumane. I rooted through my handbag, hoping that I had sized this guy up correctly - there were a few people walking down the street, but not many and it was still dark. I finally found my purse and tipped out all the money I had in to his hand. He stared at it for a second, his eyes growing wide.

"You're an angel, Miss," he said as he turned around and walked off. "You're an angel."

Pee pee time?

So, I wasn't going to write about this but I am still so pissed that I feel it is better to vent in to the abyss that is the blogosphere than it is in real life. I will not be seen as a WHINER by real human beans.

It took me 40 minutes to get home last night. Not the longest amount of time by all means but, still, longer than the journey should take. And I'm tired (having been at work since 0730). And the train was HOT. And the guy sat next to me had a SERIOUS BODY ODOUR PROBLEM. Like, muy apestado. I mean, he obviously feels that deodorant isn't a necessity. LISTEN DUDE, IT REALLY IS. And I'm sure that everyone in the carriage (and probably as far away as, I don't know, Illinois - and that's really far) would agree with me. I nearly went so far as to offer him the Givenchy in my handbag before I realised that he'd probably end up using the whole bottle AND WE'D STILL BE ABLE TO SMELL HIM.

And then I get home. I leave the back door open all day for HRH, so that she can go and mess in the garden when she needs to. Thing is, it rained a bit in the afternoon (she doesn't like the rain, it messes up her hair) - and it was obviously the EXACT SAME TIME that she needed a pee. She couldn't wait for the cloud to pass and go outside, so she went right there on the floor. What made me mad was the fact that my brother, who, by the way is NOT HUMAN, was so busy playing WWE Smackdown vs. RAW that he "didn't see" her squat, and "didn't hear" the sound track to Niagara Falls going on 2 METRES FROM WHERE HE WAS SITTING. And guess who had to clean it up?

Now THAT is why i am mad.

It's official...

...I'm crap. My fantastic idea of blogging over the weekend just didn't happen. After all the crap weather we've had, it was so nice for the sun to deign to show himself (it was actually warm, too!) that I spent the entire weekend outside. Dog walking, cycling, barbecue, haircut (yes, I made the girl who cuts my hair do it outside) amongst other things. In fact, there were other things I was meant to be doing this weekend that I just didn't get round to doing which I WILL DEFINITELY DO THIS WEEK. I did, however, manage to persuade my mother that she needed a holiday and that my brother could look after things at home for a week (this is not true, but I have 2 months to prepare him) AND book a week away to the Algarve in October. The place with the highest number of sunny days in the whole of Europe. I am so excited (!! <- see?!) that I could pee my pants. But I won't. I can, on the odd occasion, show some restraint. Especially when I get the feeling I may come back looking like this: Anyhow, I'm sure y'all are sooo excited to see that this post has finally come that y'all are about to pee your pants too. I''m still not sure what the gifts are gonna be, but I'm sure I can think of something. And they'll be really good, I promise.

And the rest of the world laughs AT, not with, us...

The floods over here have dominated the news over here for at least a couple of weeks now. Not sure how much of it has been televised internationally but, it seems, enough to make people go, "what the f*ck?" Seriously, we are probably the wettest little island IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, and yet although England conquered, uh, let's see, most of the world and pretty much pioneered civilization they still cannot DEAL WITH THE WEATHER. It drives me absolutely crazy. So, basically, hundreds of thousands of people have lost their homes, farmers have lost their livelihoods and many people are sick* and yet a lot of this trouble seems needless. I mean, WHY did Labour reduce the Environment Agency's flood defence budget by £15million? (In fact, the budget was cut by £1m MORE than the Government has given to help the people in the North of the country who have lost EVERYTHING). And where are the flood barriers? When this weather has been predicted for days and days now, why were there no flood barriers in place, or even nearby? We've had a dry couple of years, so the Government chose not to keep the drains clear and chose not to dredge and clear debris from the rivers, and now look what's happened. And to top it off (and this is what I find HILARIOUS!) is that this is of course! all due to climate change. Dude! Wake up and smell the Joe for crying out loud. Our storms and pour weather have been caused by LOW PRESSURE IN THE ATMOSPHERE, not from glacier melt - but this 'theory' means that (no doubt) another stealth tax from Gordy will appear, helping us (the country with (probably) the tiniest(!) little carbon footprint) to halt climate change.

Give over.

*Oh, yes, guess who's area had their tap water contaminated in the flooding? And guess who drank such tap water? And guess who was even more ill (having just gotten over a virus anyhow) after drinking above-mentioned tap water because although the contamination happened on Friday the water company didn't issue a boil-your-water order until SUNDAY?? Seriously, my insides have taken a beating the past 5 days.

And the rain, it keeps on coming...

While much of the world is suffering terrible drought, and elephants are traveling hundreds of miles, following the rain, so that they don't die of dehydration, God is pissing on our tiny little island. Unrelentingly.


This man's name is Paul. At 1am, he and his brother went to remove electrical equipment from the garage, and decided that this would be an ideal time to get his rod out. Quite literally:


As I write this, the rain is belting down outside. But, in London we are lucky. In comparison to the poor souls further North who have swapped their cars for canoes:


I really hope y'all have good home insurance.