And the rain, it keeps on coming...

While much of the world is suffering terrible drought, and elephants are traveling hundreds of miles, following the rain, so that they don't die of dehydration, God is pissing on our tiny little island. Unrelentingly.


This man's name is Paul. At 1am, he and his brother went to remove electrical equipment from the garage, and decided that this would be an ideal time to get his rod out. Quite literally:


As I write this, the rain is belting down outside. But, in London we are lucky. In comparison to the poor souls further North who have swapped their cars for canoes:


I really hope y'all have good home insurance.

You are on notice!

For the things you hate. Or, if you're British, the things you dislike very much... Put them on notice!

I salute ...

...you, Sir.

Seriously, this guy is so funny, if not a little twisted...

Please welcome the new PM of Great Britain...

Quote of the day

"We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat."

- The Pilk, Podcast Series 2, episode 3

I love heels

I came in to work this morning towering at a massive (nearly) 5'7". About 2 inches shorter than my boss. Then, I put on these babies...

... and I am now 2 inches taller than him. Result!

Shame I'll have to take them off on the way home, but rather that than not be able to walk for the rest of the week.

Right...

...so, Gordon Brown is, as of today, Britain's Prime Minister. Day before yesterday he was publicly scathed by the Lib Dems (amongst others) for attempting to poach Paddy Ashdown for his 'new' government. Ming Campbell deplored him, as did Lord Ashdown for "underhand tactics". How dare Gordon Brown be so snide? The man is an absolute menace.

Matters are not helped when, the next day, this man becomes a traitor, and defects to The Labour Party, saying that the Conservative agenda is one big PR stunt. This, coming from the man who is defecting to the one party whose entire administration has been based on PR stunts and spin. And to choose yesterday of all days to do so. And released the letter to the press, to humiliate Cameron and the Tory party to the hilt. I would be extremely interested to know just what Labour (Gordon) offered Davies to defect from a party from which he has been a member for 30 years, yesterday of all days.

This underhand, sneaky, poisonous man will be our Premier for the next 10 months or so. He has already run us in to the ground - espero a Dios, that the British public realises what a coño he is, and does not vote Labour in again.

So, so funny

Read this.

Hmmmm...

Okay so, Friday (at BANG ON 12pm) my boss stands up and says to us that he fancies a pint. I think this is a brilliant idea - we've all been über busy this week - and am the first one to grab my bag and my shades and bolt to the door. We go to a little pub on the corner, kind of Strand/Aldwych-way, where the homeless man/woman stands outside. We had 3 drinks each - now, seriously, whilst they drank 3 pints of Guinness, I was being handed 3 large glasses of Bonarda (a very nice Argentine red and if you haven't tried it I suggest you do so. Right now). That means that between 12 and 1.30 in the afternoon I drank an entire bottle of wine. With no food. This, I would have been able to deal with, but at 5.30, the guys decide that we're all finishing early and going for another drink. I had to get home and get to a party in SW7 before 10pm. Which I did, but ended up drinking water all night, as I knew that if I didn't dilute the alcohol zooming it's way amongst my RBCs and platelets, I would knock someone out from the fumes that were no doubt evaporating from my skin.

I was so lazy on Saturday. And I loved every minute of it. I didn't get up until about 9am (about 2 litres of water the night before and I was in and out of bed like a yoyo) when I rushed around showering, filling the washing machine and took the dog for a jog. A highly leisurely one. By 3pm, I had 2 loads of laundry on the line and a third one in the machine, had gone to IKEA for 6 blinds and installed them, been to the farmer's market for some yummy stuff, walked the dog again, and was lying outside in the sun. Until it started raining (it's now Monday morning - the rain let up at about 3am and apparently today we are going to have more rain than we have in the past 50 years). At 6pm I started making dinner for 17 people. I had promised my friends a fajita night and cooked beef for the carnivores, chicken for those who do not eat mammals and vegetables for those who eat neither. More people turned up, so it was a good thing that I had made too much of everything, and that everyone likes nachos.

Sunday I cleaned up spots of re-fried beans and guacamole from the floor and mopped it. And then went back to bed.

That is the extent of my excitement. Seriously.

Coffee beans!

If you can find the man in the coffee beans in less than 3 seconds, your brain is developed more than most other people. If you find the man in between 3 seconds and 1 minute, then the right half of your brain is developed normally. If you find him in between one minute and three minutes the right half of your brain is working slower than normal, and if it takes you more than 3 minutes to find the man, your brain is functioning slowly (so eat more protein!!).

If you cannot find the man at all, your brain is a mess and you should probably ask the vet to put you out of your misery.

Apparently.

The right side of my brain is developed normally.

Down the street from my office

is a homeless man. Well, I'm not sure if he's homeless right now but, let's just say he is trying to get back on his feet after being homeless. I'm not quite sure whether or not it is PC to call him a 'him' anyway. He's not been sexually reassigned, that's for sure. But this dude, who must be about 6' 6" at least, wears a skirt, old Nike trainers, knee high socks that look like a Pringle knock-off, (seriously, same socks EVERY day) a huge wooly cardigan and a bonnet. He is so well spoken, but living on the streets seems to have made him a bit crazy. I have bought 3 big issues from him this month. All the same issue, because i feel so bad.

People should not be homeless like that.

Christ on a bike

As if the Segway, being used by cops in the United States wasn't bad enough...


The British police have decided to up the level of dorkiness to extreme, and are soon to be travelling around on, (wait for it) the T3 Motion!


The Personal Mobility Vehicle has, apparently had much interest from the Greater Manchester Police force, amongst others (who were obviously too embarassed to be named). The granny-mobile costs approximately £4,500, can reach up to 25mph, has a range of 20 miles (so officers can travel from the station, to the Krispy Kreme hut in the centre and back again) and is even equipped with a siren and blue flashing lights. The police force in Manchester are delighted that they will no longer have to walk or catch a bus for their donuts, and the arrest rate will undoubtedly increase, as criminals are unable to run when rolling on the floor in fits of laughter.

My friend had a baby today

... and he looks EXACTLY like this. I jest not. He fell out of the ugly tree in Uglyville. I know no newborn is pretty but, seriously, this dude is gonna have to stump up one hell of a personality.

Last night I saw a kid

who looked somewhat like this:


He had been shoehorned in to the shopping trolley by a lady who looked very much like this:

Now, I'm not a parent, so probably don't have a leg to stand on. But I noticed that the trolley was full of potato chips, bread, frozen beef burgers and sausages, processed cheese and cakes. Don't get me wrong, I'm not usually one to judge. I just got this awful image of this crazy lady
who looked like she'd missed her slot at the methodone clinic, encouraging her kid to snarf down everything in the trolly. I did not see one piece of fruit. Not even a packet of frozen vegetables.
I felt sick and left my shopping.

Badger, badger

The British Government(alists) have decided that, after all their threats, they are actually going to halt the idea of culling all the badgers because their involvement in spreading TB.
How about some sort of vaccine/inocculation for the creatures? Not just the badgers, but for the cows which also spread it? I'm sure this would be cheaper in the long term, than the £2billion expected cost of compensation to cattle farmers over the decade?


Just look at his face...

Not funny

Me: "Wow, she's pretty" (admiring picture of Shakira in a trashy magazine).

Ma: "Sweetie, you're not G.A.Y. are you?"

Me: "WHAT??"

Ma: "Well, you never bring boys home anymore. Since you split from Mr Fussy you seem to go out but you never bring anyone home. I don't know if you're seeing boys because I never get to meet your new friends."

Me: "This house is crazy. The boy's rooms stink - I mean a cloud of poisonous gas infiltrates whenever they open their doors. They are rude, lazy and obnoxious, and you find it funny. You seriously think I'd bring anyone home?"

Ma: "No need to be so tetchy. I was only asking."

Me: "You were asking if I was homosexual. I'm not going to talk about this with you."

Ma: "Well, you're getting older now..."

Me: "I'm 22!"

Ma: "...and I would like to be young enough to enjoy my granchildren."

Me: "Let me repeat: I am 22 years old. No grandkids. Not for a long time."

Ma: "Humph. I was only saying..."

Me: "Well don't."

The boy is a genius

I have just eaten

a banana from Colombia.

I can't get enough of

Jilly Cooper. I mean, she well and truly rocks. I read Riders, Rivals and Polo when I was seriously young. Young enough that when I took it to school to read at break time, my teacher confiscated it and wrote a letter home. I'm not going to explain why, I'm just going to recommend that you read them. I bought her latest book on Sunday after having stopped every time I passed it in a book shop. It was almost like an orgasm. You know, wanting something, and not getting it, then wanting it more and then not getting it (repeat many times) and then suddenly getting it. I was so excited it took me about an hour to open the darn cover. Immense relief. Immense.

The woman is a legend. Go read her.

Kids

I rang my cousin last night. She is (very) pregnant and not feeling too great so thought I'd try and cheer her up. Before we hung up, her youngest wanted to talk to me. She is speaking lots now, and is quite literally translating from Spanish, and sounds like she's reading from a children's book:

"Hello?"

"Hello sweetie. How're you doing?"

"Ok. But SuSu (their dog) did make a poop on the carpet and Mummy did get angry."

"Oh no!"

"Yes. It did smell very badly. She did do a runny one and she did step in it also."

The seriousness in her voice was incredible, and by this point I thought I was going to explode as I tried so hard not to laugh.

"Did Mummy put SuSu outside?"

"No. Mummy did catch SuSu in my towel (she says it "tooooow-el") and throw SuSu in to the shower. Poop was everywhere. Mummy did clean it up very well now."

I could hear my cousin creasing in the background.

"Maybe you should speak with Mummy now. She might pee in her pants."

The phone was suddenly passed back to my cousin, and we just laughed down the phone at each other until I got a stitch and had to put the phone down.

I would like to say

A HUGE thank you to Kim Ayres, a blogging King, for helping with website issues.

Thanks Kim!

Oh yay!

As if the current transport system wasn't bad enough, a report says that we can expect to be shuttled around in conditions worse than those granted to cattle by the EU, for years to come. Platforms need to be lengthened, more carriages need to be used, and they need to bloody well run on time! However, these refurb projects aren't even going to start in the next 5 years.

I will have retired before I can get a seat on my way to work.

Ha ha!

I was meant to go to a party Saturday, but my friend's apartment was flooded by the a-holes upstairs. I was suitably peeved, and my brother proceeded to wind me up the entire day. He was waiting for a phone call from the guy who was going to buy his old motorbike, so I managed to sellotape over the mic of the handset for our home phone. This guy rang, and obviously couldn't hear a word my brother was saying. He was getting redder and redder in the face, screaming down the handset to try and make himself heard. It was the funniest thing I've seen in a while.

That'll learn him for being so damn annoying.

Be inspired

"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty - a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture."

- Bertrand Russel (1872-1970)

Last night

I was up until gone midnight, laying laminate floor in the bathroom downstairs.